To those I love,
My most beautiful transformation of 2013
Who am I, Who is Arielle and How did I get here.
Straight to the point - I hit my rock bottom this summer. My goal growing was to go to film school. I moved here from out of state and spent 3 tough years focusing on school. I based my whole life around it. My house is 2 miles from school, my job is one mile, my daughters school is across the street. I worked hard and made my life convenient. And then Fall of 2013 approached... the main focus of the last 3 years of my life was coming to an end. I have a great job… I love my job and they love me. They have worked extremely well with my school schedule each semester for the past 3 years. But it isn’t a career end job. So here I was graduating and feeling stuck or I should say the opposite… over whelmed with too many options. I was now graduating and nothing was keeping me here in Hollywood; the possibilities seemed endless and daunting. And everyone would ask what are going to do when you graduate? Well shit I have no idea, I don’t even know what I WANT to do with my life, what my “passion” or “calling” is.
During this time I went through a breakup that just left me devastated. I was confused hurt, lonely, feeling betrayed. I spent a year with this man and had completely come to adore him. I had structured my life out of helping him with his desires to go back to music school and so on. I respected him and truly appreciated his friendship and company. I felt happy content and appreciated. And did anything and everything in the world to help him achieve those goals…and to this day I know he knows still deep down inside. I thought things were good, I thought I was happy. I had lost myself in my concept of him. Then one day he just walked away, no looking back, no explanation. In fact immediately after, had his new girl, or I should say not so new girl, all over his social media sites. This man that would call me “love” every single day I now had to watch him call “love” to this other girl. A man I had let so close into my world and into my daughters world as well. She adored him and would ask about when was coming over to play guitar with her.
How could someone that said they cared, walk away so easily and effortlessly? I felt crushed, helpless, angry… I had given the keys to MY happiness over to him and I had no idea. I was crying all the time behind my sunglasses. I cried myself to sleep. I avoided all movies involving intimacy and love. I rolled my eyes any time a man offered the slightest compliment or “hit-on”. I secluded into a shell. I lost about 15 pounds and started having other personal health issues. My neck/back injury flared up again… as I now see was a way to hide myself, to protect myself from feeling vulnerable. I lost all self esteem and felt ugly and unattractive. I started focusing on my flaws. I would cry myself to sleep trying to hold it all in. My heart just ached deep down to the center of my back. It was an emotional roller coaster. I would talk to myself all the time… saying why the heck are you wasting a tear on a man that does not even spend one second thought about you? That apparently didn't care or even respect your feelings.
Who was this girl? Who was this Arielle?
I was the girl people would always jokingly say, can your face do anything else but smile? I was happy, carefree, positive, easy going… How did I get here? Where along the way did I lose myself? I started asking myself when was the last time you were truly happy. And I shocked myself realizing it was 4 or 5 years ago, Why was it that long ago? Sure I had fun times and good moments along the way… but when was the last time I truly smiled ear to ear, or just laughed for no apparent reason?
I began to question well what made me happy then that I don’t have now. I have a better place, I completed film school, I have nice clothes, a nice car… But why am I less happy? I realized I had it, that this was enough. I didn’t want to feel this way ever again. I was tired of crying of feeling hurt or betrayed. I’m a Gemini anyways, and since when did I let a man get me down. I’m the social butterfly …bouncing around on life. I choose who I want to let in my life… not the other way around.
Then I began to realize, if I feel this shitty and am crying behind my sunglasses (and by the way during this time frame not one person ever asked if I was ok) So I thought, if I feel this way how many others were going about their day crying behind their shades that I didn’t even notice?! So I decided then and there I was not going to feel this way anymore and that I had the power to show others they didn’t have to either.
I had heard the sayings and scriptures… Give and it shall be given into you. Or what you give comes back tenfold. Like attract likes…. There was no lower bottom for me. I couldn’t feel any worse. So I decided I am going to start loving and giving to the best of my ability for purely selfish reasons… to feel good and be loved in return.
I started trying to do a Pay it Forward act at least one time a day; leaving love notes all over town, dollar bills in random places... I started making my 15 seconds videos telling myself these messages. Like “fake it till you make it.” And “happiness is a muscle that needs to be practiced” and that “I choose happiness every morning.” And let me tell you my life changed! There were days and weeks I was crying in bed saying please just let me not feel this way any more, I just want to be happy. And would force myself to list off things in my life I was grateful for. Now I go to bed with the biggest smile on my face saying wow I am so grateful and love going to bed with this inward happiness.
I practiced happiness every single day! I forced that smile on my face. I would say out loud, “I am Happy Healthy and Whole and there is no Hole in my Soul.” I would say this over and over through out the day…most of the time through my tears and shakey voice but still forcing a smile. And guess what,I no longer feel lonely or unloved. I don't need the presence of a man to make me feel complete. Every single time his name would pop across my mind, and let me tell you it was ALL the time. I would say out loud, “Bless you, I release you.” Because I firmly believe in karma, that the energy you wish on others always comes back to you. So why would I want to say f*#ck you… if I believed that I was bringing that negative energy back in to my life. So bless you I release you and I wish you and your “love” the best.
Sometimes a door is closing but we are so afraid of change or letting go that not only do we not see it but we fight it and resist it...only prolonging the inevitable and causing more harm and grief to us. So I started saying "thank you for walking away, you leaving was actually the BEST thing that happened to me." I started forcing myself to see and say the opposite. And you know what, him walking away was the best thing that could have happened to me. I am so happy now. I would have been still content and living a mediocre life had it not been for that moment. Many people would look at me or read this story and say oh you are damaged goods now, or good luck finding a man that wants to deal with those feelings. But, oh they couldn't be more wrong. I climb into my bed alone and happy with my own companionship something I would have never appreciated before. A relationship at this point in my life is not something i seek, but true love and friendship and adoration is something I will obtain for it is already mine.
Sometimes we are so broken, or cracked open, to allow that much more love and light in. For in the breaking we learn to love deeper and more intensely. Just think of how much more love we have when we are completely cracked open and have allowed the light to pour deeply into our souls. The Key to happiness is gratitude and love. The more you are grateful for, the more you have to be grateful for. The more love you pour out into the Universe the more love fills your life. And let me tell you, I am happy. I am smiling, I am sexy, beautiful, energetic and contagious; the very essence of me is LOVE. There is no question of will I be afraid to love again. I am love, that is all I am capable of.
Through this transformation I found my passion in life, what makes my soul come alive. I discovered a life for and about myself is not a life at all. Through my creating of my morning 15 sec videos, I discovered I truly feel happy when I am inspiring or helping others. I started to feel and listen to other people’s pain and truly know I had felt that way and to also know it is VERY possible to feel alive and happy again.
Paying it forward and doing random acts of kindness are not events or even acts…they are a lifestyle. Love is our natural normal state. We are love, so of course we are going to feel the best and be the happiest when we are loving our self and others. Share a smile, a nod, a polite hello… take a minute to show love to any one who may cross your path through out the day.
So thank you to the man who has brought me to my highest level of love and appreciation and thank you to everyone who walked this journey with me this summer. It has been five amazing months of transformation. And I am so excited for 2014; to share my life journey with my true soul mate, to create a hit reality show that will be aired on major national television, to begin my career as a LOA life coach changing lives all over the world, to run a blog that inspires and impacts all of our lives, and to open a Haven center for teens and young adults from all over the world to come live and experience and find true love, peace, passion, and happiness in their own lives.
Be yourself today, tomorrow and the next day; love. And join me on clod 9, which is very large i might say ;)
“One starfish at a time."
Blessings and Namaste.
Written in love,